Wasting life

I travelled to and from Canberra today (about 7 hours of driving all in all) and had time to think. I was wondering about how much of my life I have wasted - I am 39 and have almost nothing to show for it. I kind of wondered aloud to God, if he really wanted us to worship him and spend time with him now because as long as we stayed on the straight and narrow mostly, wouldn't we have time enough when we are dead to do that? So why waste all this time in prayer instead of living life? I guess it struck me that would be the same as saying to my wife, I will see you tonite when we can spend time together so don't miss me and I won't miss you, but I do and she does. And so with God, I know it sounds odd to say so, but when I neglect prayer or Him, I miss Him and in whatever theological way it is possible, I believe He misses me. And much as I share my life and what is happening with Carmen so I want Him to share and be part of my life here. Even if there is no heaven, I am the richer for having known and loved Him and being loved by Him. I am scared of dying because as I have said before I battle in my faith with believing in heaven on an emotional level. But even so, my life has been full of love because I have and am loved by Him and I received that faith and the ability to know His love, in the first instance from the first humans that loved me, my mom and dad and it is the first and greatest gift that a child can receive. I once told my dad that Kirstin also knew that love from them and that she knows it still. But in large part, I was talking about my own experience of their love for me and my siblings that is in its own way an extension of the sacramental Divine love with which Christian marriage is infused. My wife was blessed with similar parents and we know the responsibility that we now share to honour that gift if and when we are gifted with children of our own:
So, fall asleep love, loved by me....for I know love, I am loved by thee. (Robert Browning)