Gladiator

This is not really a religious post, but nobody really reads this blog so it is kind of an online diary in some ways of my journey through life. One of the scenes in the film Gladiator (with Russell Crowe) was early in his career at an outpost where various men have been conscripted to fight as gladiators. The one guy is a scribe - so obviously out of his depth and so scared out of his wits before combat that he literally wets himself. And yet put those same guys in an intellectual environment and the strapping Russell Crowe would have looked inept. It is the case of the square peg and round hole. Like my life. I was working tonite on my novel and I find myself wrestling with despair at the thought of going into my own Colosseum tomorrow to do duty and waste another day of my quickly diminishing life. I don't feel scared like the scribe, I feel nauseous at the utter waste of so many years of my own life. I have nothing but contempt for my own hitherto inability to break free from what Thoreau's described as this incessant prison of business. I must feed and nurture this hatred so that it spurs me into action to finish my degree and get on with the business of living and not just existing.